Now that you know why I wrote The Dreamer Chronicles: Desperation and the long, meandering path it took me to get there, it’s only fair to share with you who I actually am.
To be honest, I tried to put off this particular entry because it’s next to impossible to describe anyone accurately and with any depth in only a few words, much less myself. After all, it will take entire novels to fully understand the personalities and depths of the characters I’ve created. There’s no way I could possibly give you the whole picture of myself in a single post. With that in mind, I almost skipped the topic altogether.
There are so many different directions I could go with this post that this is actually my third attempt at it. I figured that since I write from my heart, anyone who reads enough of my writings will eventually get a pretty good picture of who I am. Why waste an entire post talking about myself? On top of that, I’m usually shy and guarded around anyone I don’t know well because I’m uncomfortable placing myself in the center of attention (that whole “sucking at socializing” thing).
But then most people will want at least a snapshot of information about me before choosing whether or not what I write is worth their time. So here is the best summary I can possibly come up with:
I am…just me.
Before you think I’m being a smartass and decide to hit the back button on your browser, you have to realize that it’s taken me most of my life to come up with that description of myself. I spent years defining myself by what I did for a living. I was a youth pastor so I put all my energy into trying to be the best youth pastor I could be. Unfortunately I was never particularly amazing at it, most likely due my reserved personality. The passion and love was there, but I could never break through my social anxiety long enough to be successful by most people’s standards. I never met the expectations that were placed on me so I often felt like a failure. A loser.
After that, I had a series of dead end jobs that went nowhere. Because there was no room for me to grow in those positions, I felt worse than a failure. I felt useless!
Even once I started writing and found purpose in that, for a time I made the mistake of claiming that as my identity. Whenever I asked myself who I was, I replied that I was a writer. While it was certainly true in a sense—I write so I’m a writer—there’s a distinct danger is taking something you do and turning it into your identity. If you define yourself by what you do, then you’re a constant slave to whether or not you’re doing a good job. If people think I’m a good writer, then that somehow translates into me being a good person. If people think my writing is the printed version of nails on a chalkboard, then that proves I must not have much worth as a person!
When I finally realized the problem with defining myself by my occupation, it changed my thought process entirely. I ultimately decided that what I did for a living had no bearing whatsoever on my self-worth. My occupation no longer defined me.
I also spent massive portions of my life defining myself by what I meant to others: son, brother, friend, husband, and father. Again, though, I found myself a slave to expectations—usually my own. I had a bad habit of feeding off others’ emotions. Whenever someone was upset, I feared it was because of something I did. If my wife was angry, I must have let her down. If my son was acting out, I was clearly a terrible father. If my friends or extended family were too busy to spend time with me, then I obviously hadn’t done enough to foster a strong enough relationship with them. It was ludicrous!
To avoid confirming my fears that I was a disappointment to those closest to me, I shied away from any meaningful interaction with my family and friends. My wife called it turtle-ing, saying that I hid in my shell like a scared turtle. It became so bad that I very nearly lost my marriage before I finally chose to confront my inner demons of anxiety and poor emotional health (an epic tale for another time).
Thankfully I no longer define myself by my relationships. When someone close to me is having a bad day, I finally translate it as them having a bad day instead of it somehow being my fault. I can’t even begin to express how freeing that is! By no longer fearing that I was somehow screwing up my relationships with those closest to me, it actually allowed me to form deeper connections with those closest to me.
I laugh with my children now instead of getting mad at them for silly things. When my wife is upset or bothered, I no longer mirror her emotions or try to steal the blame for them. Her emotions are her own so there’s no longer any reason to let them affect me. If I can do something to help her, then I jump at the opportunity with joy because it helps my wife instead of trudging toward it or arguing with her.
By refusing to define myself by my relationships, I’ve been able to take control of my emotions instead of letting the emotions of others tell me how I should be feeling. It’s allowed me to finally be me instead of that frightened turtle who’s too scared to stick his head out of his shell to see if the world is safe.
While learning not to define myself by my occupation or relationships were critical steps in discovering who I am, there was one more step I had to take. I realized that the words “I’m just me” have actually been my mantra for ages. The only problem was that my emphasis was always on the word “just”. Throughout my life I had such a horrible view of myself that I never believed I was capable of much. I was always just me.
I would never be good enough. Never amount to much. Never accomplish what I wanted. I was never going to make much of a difference. Because I was just me! Yes, I hoped and I dreamed, but I never actually BELIEVED I could do what I dreamed. After all, how could someone as lowly and insignificant as me do anything worthwhile? All I could hope for out of my life was to not screw up too much. While the dreams were a nice fantasy, greatness was light years beyond my grasp because only great people did great things!
And I wasn’t great because I was just me.
At first I passed it off as humility. After all, the Bible says in Romans that we shouldn’t think of ourselves more highly than others. I figured that if I kept a low opinion of myself then I must be a good Christian. And if I thought more highly of others than I thought of myself, then I was definitely following what that verse said! Little did I know that what I was really doing was destroying myself and hurting the hearts all those who cared about me—particularly God!
But why would God possibly care about my poor self image?
In another spot in Romans, the Bible tells us very clearly that the moment I asked Jesus to forgive me of my sins, God adopted me as His child. The Bible says I even get to call Him “Daddy God!” God actually considers me to be His son!
To put that in perspective, if my son or daughter told me that they thought they were worthless or hopeless or useless, how do you think I as their father would respond? My heart would break for them, I would grab them into the tightest hug possible, and, through choked sobs, I would tell them over and over again how much I love them, how much they mean to me, how much I believe in them, how much they matter, and how important they are! I wouldn’t stop pouring into them until they believed me! And for decades, that’s exactly what God had been doing for me! And He never gave up until it finally sunk in!
I’ve spent the past few years learning what it means to be an adopted child of God, what it means to be a prince of heaven. The more I’ve learned, the more I realize just how much God loves me and how special I really am to Him. Because of this, I no longer think of myself as worthless. I’m not useless anymore. I realized that I am worth far more than I can ever imagine:
I. Am. Royalty!
And what’s more, I now view every person I meet as either royalty or potential royalty. They’re at the same level as me!
As royalty, I’ve realized that all the promises and dreams God’s given me are within my grasp. I no longer have to worry about not being good enough to achieve those dreams. The dreams and promises are part of God’s inheritance for me as His child. Every step along the way is just a learning experience. To quote one of my friends and mentors, “I am not a slave, so I don’t have to beg. I’m not a servant, so I don’t have to ask. I am a son, so all I have to do is accept and receive.”
Now when I say “I’m just me,” my emphasis is on me. I’m not my job. I’m not what others think of me. I’m not my past, current, or future level of success. And I’m certainly not a failure! I am a child of God, a prince of Heaven, and one of God’s greatest creations! And that has made all the difference in the world!
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